Good evening darling readers!
This post is something I’ve wanted to do for looong a while!
As this industry is still pretty shrouded in mystery and misconception, and sometimes SWers can seem more like brands instead of individuals, I decided the other day to open the door on Twitter to let some of YOU ask just about anything and everything you wanted to know about me, Bdsm or SW for the sake of education and interesting reading! here’s the top 20 questions
(All questions have been edited for grammar and user names removed.)
1 I know a lot of people on Twitter who occasionally do sex work, also tweet and DM chat about their lives. I like engaging with them, but find it hard to tell if they are being professionally friendly to me in vain hope I’d hire them (thus I’m a unintentional time waster) or just being friendly in general or a mix of the two. How can I tell the difference?
Most of us approach Twitter from a marketing standpoint, so any opportunity we have to interact with people in public is hugely beneficial! We never know who may or may not visit us, so at least personally, I tend to try to respond to everyone – if nothing more, that interaction gives me an opportunity to show off my personality so more visit minded suitors can get to know me better.
For you; if you never intend to visit someone you’re publicly messaging with, as long as you don’t seek individual attention, you’re fine! Replying to her posts and asking questions for all to see is usually ok! The line really only gets crossed when you reach over to her DM’s or email. I wouldn’t focus too much on the WHY she may be replying, it’d be impossible to tell – so just enjoy the interaction. We really do love communication!
2 How do you cut ties with a recurring harmful client? Either through unchecked patriarchal privilege or emotional manipulation?
This is a great question and one that I wish I had thought about before confronted with my own such occurrence. I have a lot to say here, so bare with me.
Before you start, make sure you’re 100% ready to cut ties with this person. Once you ‘fire’ a client, you really can’t take them back without them realizing your decisions aren’t always final, no matter how bad the behavior gets in the future. For them there’s always a chance you might again change your mind. (I speak from experience here).
I always start with a short, polite and direct email, it’s best either right after an incident or when they’re trying to rebook; I avoid anything out of the blue when they’re not actively communicating with me for one reason or another. You definitely don’t want to open the can of worms in having them think you were stewing over something or thinking about them in their absence.
Generally, I’ll say something like “ I feel something has shifted over time in the way the we interact, I can’t put my finger on it but it’s just not working for me anymore. Out of respect for you and our previous connection; it would be best for us to discontinue our visits and revel in the many positive memories.”
I’d leave out any specifics about the ‘why’ and stick to vague, emotionally neutral, non accusatory statements.
Then, if the person needs a little ego coddling, I’d highlight how much you have enjoyed things until now and if you’re comfortable doing so – offer a suggestion for who they might see next. I’d only do this if they aren’t dangerous or toxic.
As a warning, even a polite rejection could invite some backlash and the more you say, the more they might refute. Short and sweet is definitely the best way to go (more speaking from experience here).
Standing firm and discontinuing (yet documenting) contact from there is a must once you’ve let someone go. Any replies to your email shouldn’t be read but instead just stored somewhere in a folder. Often times, these people feel entitled to change your mind, defend themselves against your decision or try to manipulate their way back into your good graces. If they are met with continued silence, eventually they get bored and move on.
Next, a little clean up: block them on all review boards, delete any reviews they’ve posted of you from your website, block them all social media platforms and delete any public commentary where you’ve communicated or shared photos of you two together.
Lastly, block their phone number and try to put them out of mind. People who tend to be toxic or overly clingy often kick up a little flurry of pursued interest when they notice your attention is dwindling, but after a while either give up or move on to someone who gives them the interaction they need. I deeply hope this helps!
3 What’s the first thing new male submissives should learn about a dominatrix?
The *first* thing? I’d say to ditch ANY preconceived ideas of how you should interact and how you should behave with a Top.
Clients who get their initial education of bdsm from literature or porn definitely are much harder to connect with and often have unrealistic expectations for both themselves and their Dom/mes. Just be polite, follow any given directions, and relax into the organic flow of the dynamic. Don’t try to be a character from a storied scenario – unless you two have already talked about it.
4 What are things a woman should know about a male dominatrix?
I consulted a couple of male Doms from my personal life for this answer and here’s what they said…
Marcus Said: Submissive women dealing with Dominant men need to communicate when playing, whats working or what isn’t needs to be made very clear. That’s the most important thing to me. I want us both to have a good time, but even if it breaks the fantasy of being taken, boundaries should be made clear upfront and without exception. If they change as the scene continues, speak up!
Prophet Said: One of my biggest things is respect towards all limits established during play. I don’t violate consent under any circumstances and the safety of whoever I play with is the upmost importance.
5 What is more pleasing to you, submission and voluntary obedience, or physical punishment to your slave?
These are really apples and oranges…
If forced to choose between the two, I would always choose obedience.
I punish my slaves for my own pleasure, I can do so simply because I don’t like the way they’ve tucked in their shirt or how they’re standing. I would never ever in a million years want to imagine a slave disobeying me for the pleasure of discipline when I can so easily mete it out on a whim.
6 Hello there! I’m a friend of Matisse’s and fellow baby Domme. In your blog post could you write your process to screen and filter potential clients and what determines if you’ll accept them or pass on them?
Screening is such a personal thing and there’s a lot of ways to go about it, but for me, in the early days, I screened someone entirely by gut instinct for compatibility. It sounds crazy, but it really worked for me!
I’d have someone call for a booking (no emails – can you imagine?) and I’d get a feel for their personality, age, level of sincerity and general attitude. Within the first couple of minutes it told me absolutely everything.
80% were guys who’d call and just go ‘hey baby can I visit you today?’ then lazy silence. It was hard to hang up on someone who ‘might’ be interested but those clients NEVER show up for their bookings and I’d waste countless of collective hours trying to get them to answer basic questions in order to coordinate their appointment in the first place.
The other 20% were more like ‘Hi, I’m Luke I saw your ad on Eros. I was hoping to see you on the 28th at 7pm etc…. those were the ones I’d move forward with. If they sounded engaged, polite and didn’t immediately blast me with graphic fantasies, they almost always ended up being great clients.
References, I’m still a bit mixed on; a positive reference from a provider I never met isnt’t really much help. Their level of passable doesn’t necessarily match mine. Honestly, when it came down to it, all a reference told me was that those two had met and the client wasn’t blacklisted. That just isn’t good enough so try to come up with more ways to paint a picture of who will be walking through your door.
These days, I take references from providers I know well or know of from various platforms where I’m aware of their reputation. Someone who’s been around a while will make sure they remember the client you’re asking about and offer more than just a thumbs up or down; I look for that extra info to make sure this client and I will click and that any anomalies that spring up, are things I could handle. In my opinion a good reference giver will say something like, “Oh yeah, I remember Chris, he (names something to confirm it’s the same guy), he was polite, on time, and allergic to pet hair.” or “Chris, yeah he was a great client but heads up, he’s a loud talker – make sure you’re well inside your incall before the dirty talk starts”. Priceless.
I’d also run the phone number or email addy of your potential client through google and against a few blacklist websites to ensure there weren’t any hits (TNA, Verify Him, P411, National Blacklist). Browsing their handle on review boards for alerts and reading their past reviews to get a picture of who this person is was a big help too.
Is he friendly or difficult, are most of his reviews positive or negative, what does he like? It’s all there. Often times you can see how they interact if you care to dig into their general board interactions. Anyone who likes to argue with strangers on SW boards is an automatic decline for me. Often times I’d come across random comments they’d make on the web by running an email address – good gawd!! If a client seems like he looks for things to critique instead of being in pursuit of pleasure – I pass.
I’d only really ‘bother’ with people who gave full, personable inquiries and that followed directions. My website isn’t complex so if someone wasn’t able to follow a few short instructions to get to my doorstep, they certainly couldn’t be trusted to follow instructions once they arrived.
Last but not least, never ignore your instinct. Even if you don’t see any reason to decline someone but something feels ‘wrong’ – listen to that intuition! Almost every provider has a story about the day they saw someone against their judgment… intuition is priceless!
7 What’s the most misunderstood part of your career?
That because we’re Dom/mes – our job is all about kicking back and being pampered – or that this is in ANY way a normal job with the typical work and energy demands of an average career.
Pretty often people assume SWers have it made in the shade, that our rate covers only the work we do when face to face with a client; and while we have some obscenely fun times with our visitos, there’s plenty of behind the scenes work that goes into each and every play date. You really never get to be off.
It still surprises me when people seem shocked that I can’t squeeze in a 2 hour appointment on a random same day afternoon or when someone writes me an email and it takes more than 24 hours to respond. Dommes need to take days off, but a lot of clients don’t seem to account for us taking 1-2 days off a week to handle our personal lives. The phrase ‘don’t you have a slave to do that stuff for you’ just gets used WAY too often.
8 Do Lifestyle Dommes really ‘live the life 24/7’
I’d say it depends on your perspective, but for the most part – yes!
I happen to be a lifestyler with a small stable of loved, collared slaves and there are plenty of days where they’re trussed up in the dungeon being flogged and probed, but I’m not always chasing them down with a riding crop in 6 in heels if that’s what you mean. That’s a lovely fantasy, but it isn’t my every waking minute.
My slaves and I do plenty of vanilla activities too and on the surface, we look like any other couple or group of people. The dynamic never disappears though; I toy with them in vanilla settings all the time, I’m still very much their Mistress, even when I’m not in a catsuit and corset.
It’s far from being the elaborate fantasy of a Mistress being woken up by a naked slave wearing nipple clamps and a chastity device, but I’ve absolutely taken a slave into a display room of an IKEA for some discreet ball kicking because I felt like doing so right then and there. In my stable, there’s not a single moment where my slaves aren’t 100% subject to my whims.
9 How can you best explain your kinks and limits to a dominatrix you haven’t seen before?
Honestly, I’d be conscience and make a list.
While a lot of us tend to ask these things in email, many more prefer to discuss it in person. That can lead to forgetting important items on the spot or possibly losing valuable intel to the natural flow of a conversation – on both sides.
It may feel slightly exposing to hand someone a written list of things that turn you in (or don’t) but for me, it’s priceless intel that I know you’ve had proper, uninterrupted time to think about. Plus, isn’t part of the reason you’re visiting a Domme to feel exposed and vulnerable anyway?
10 How do SWers compartmentalize their feelings when with a client?
This may be the only question on this list I can’t offer a good answer to.
I’d say that SWers tend to be primal beings, often very sexual and very self aware. It can take time to get the hang of it, but I think most of us just look at dates as they are – short opportunities for mutual enjoyment. We never forget that you’re EXPECTING us to keep things within the agreed boundary and that to keep sane, it’s not an option to mix personal feelings so we almost reflexively keep it separate in our hearts and minds. Clients wave in and out of our lives, some leaving a big impression, it’d break our hearts if we allowed ourselves to fall for people who may decide not to see us at any moment, for any reason.
It also helps that we don’t enter into this looking to fall in love, even though we absolutely do form powerful attachments – especially over time, it’s natural that we can keep those connections in perspective so we can keep seeing you!
11 (1/2) If I sent an email to a provider and a few days have gone by without a response, what should I do?
If it’s been a couple of days, I’d check her website to see if she’s on vacation or on a day off before you probe further. Sometimes we just need to disconnect for a bit and emails just need to sit and wait.
If she appears to be active, I’d examine what my message said. Did you follow directions? Did you say too much or too little? Did you get the right email address?
Try again one more time, making sure to do anything she’s listed for communication preferences. If she doesn’t get back to you after another day or two, just move on.
12 (2/2) If I have a clean reputation and a provider says she can’t see me or falls off the map after screening, what should I do? How am I supposed to make appointments if I don’t know why I’m being passed over?
That’s tricky. I’ve definitely had to decline people who *thought* they were squeaky clean and really weren’t.
As mentioned above, I’d examine my communications. Providers will stop replying if you aren’t giving us the info we request or reply with wall of text style communications. If you’ve kept it together and haven’t made your coorespondence a chore – your reputation may have gotten damaged somewhere along the way.
You may have underpaid, stayed over time, broken something, stained sheets, developed a reputation for showing up late, canceled a lot or pushed a boundary without realizing… In the heat of the moment, to a visitor those can be ‘small sins’ but to a provider, it can be a reason not to welcome you back.
It’ll take some time to repair reputation damage but it’s easily doable. Just be more self aware when you’re with your next provider and use her as your reference in the future. Most ladies only need to know who you saw last, not your entire pooning history.
13 I have a companion I see who travels a lot, I’d like to ask her to tour with me on an upcoming business trip. Can you give me an idea of what it’s like to travel with a provider?
This is a very personal thing but the consensus is that expectations need to be laid out thoroughly ahead of time, all the way down to where she will sleep, how much private time will she have away from you, what sleeping hours will be and how much play interaction you’re expecting.
Typically, accommodations, travel costs and meals – as well as a set rate for her time would fall under the responsibility of the client and a deposit for a longer booking like that is typical as well once you’ve decided all the above factors. While that might seem like a lot, just remember that while she’s away with you, she’s not able to otherwise run her business or see other clients, she’s also about to put 100% of her physical and mental energy into you, every moment you’re together, so this is a big request, even if for you – it’s a vacation
Last but not least, make sure you have a very strong rapport with her before you spend multiple days together! Even if your chemistry is amazing, some people tend to be highly connective in short bursts. Make sure you take that into account if you’re considering a trip that can be very emotionally and physically demanding for you both!
14 Do you get aroused by your sessions?
Yes. Yes I do; often and dangerously.
15 How does someone become your personal slave?
For me, I’ve always chosen people I’m already seeing professionally. Highly compatible clients with a desire to serve, politely make that known to me and if I feel the same way, we explore that dynamic over the next year or two while I get to know them better. If it works out, I’ve claimed them – if not, they remain cherished clients and friends no harm no foul. That doesn’t men the door is always open to anyone, anytime. I view slaves as life partners to varying degrees, so if you’re looking to belong to a Woman, just consider first how big of a commitment that is before you even ask!
16 I used to see a regular provider for about 5 years before she retired, about once every couple of months she’d let me take her for dinner off the clock, it was nice! Now I’m seeing another provider and she never let’s me take her out and treat her, it’s only appointments. Is that normal?
Honestly, it’s completely normal for providers and clients to only see each other in a professional context. It’s a rare thing that both parties can keep the dynamic from becoming too recreational when you take it outside of the usual prescribed confines.
My bet is that you and Provider A had known each other for a while and built up that sort of trust friendship that allowed it. She also must have had a personal life scenario that make it possible for her to casually date you.
Provider B either just wants to keep things uncomplicated, doesn’t have the time to allow casual connections or may have a partner where ‘dating off the clock’ may be problematic.
I’d avoid taking it personally and just appreciate what you two are able to share, it’s best to leave the veil down and don’t press the issue. No SW wants to disappoint a visitor by declining personal invitations, but sometimes, we have to.
17 I read a lot about Dommes who sometimes bring friends over during sessions, how can I politely ask my Mistress to do that? I’ve always wanted to be bossed around by two women!
By scheduling a duo.
It’s really rare that another Pro Domme is going to play with you, at your specified time, all dolled up, for free. I hate to break it to you but that happens more in a lifestyle scenario when you’re a collared slave or if a Mistress has a friend staying over and that friend feels like it. If you want to explore two Mistresses, scheduled it! It’s obscenely fun, but almost certainly isn’t going to happen if you say ‘you can have a friend join if you want’. Chances are, she’d have to pay that friend out of her own pocket to accommodate you.
18 You seem to be really friendly with other Dominatrices on Twitter. Are you all really that close or is it just for show?
Ha! I fucking LOOOOOVE my Domme friends. They seriously give me life. There are some people that I’m closer to than others, but you can absolutely tell our friendships are very real. We have ALL hung out together at parties, bars, each others homes, it’s a community over here.
I’ve definitely worked in other locations where it’s more catty or competitive but that vibe just doesn’t seem to play out here. How can you not be totally in love with your peers when they’re all sexy bad asses and genuinely good people?
19 Miss Victoria, I hope this isn’t too personal but may I ask your sexual orientation?
Yes you may! I’m pan-sexual polyamorous.
This means I don’t have a gender preference for my partner(s), and that I am non monogamous.
To be clear, I don’t openly date at this time, though should I change my mind on a whim, that’s entirely my call. I do keep my hands full with my stable of long term committed slaves.
20 Miss Victoria, if you weren’t a Dominatrix, what would you be?
There is no universe that exists where I wouldn’t have ultimately chosen to be a Domina, BUT if that didn’t exist, I would have also been interested in becoming a surgeon, an attorney, a financial adviser or I’d run an animal charity or animal sanctuary.
I hope you all enjoyed the Q & A, I know I did 😉
Thanks for answering a large number of questions that many would be interested in!
Agree, answered my curiosities for the most part. I have always respected the character and genuineness of your responses, whatever the venue. Thank you.