I had a small twitter tirade yesterday… you may have noticed.
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A topic came up, one that I’d usually brush off, but struck a huge nerve with me. I can’t let it go. I want to, I’m trying to, but no… not today.
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I absolutely hate seeing dissension in the SW world; especially with the ever pervading us .vs them mentality with general society at large. We fight against misconception, stereotype and in these days, we fight just to survive. Fighting each other, especially without *good* cause, is honestly, petty at best. Who really has the time or emotional energy for school yard negativity anyway?
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A tweet was released by a Dominatrix, someone I don’t know and frankly I don’t know how I came to see her post. I’m not trying to make an expample of her directly but we’ve all seen comments like this so I’ll share her words to offer context.
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She says…
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“I have a question…. what is it with Mistresses stroking slave cock in preview videos or dungeon scenes? I get you want to sell clips, but if you keep that up slaves will EXPECT such behavior from their Mistresses and that would be disgusting. YOU are better than a hand job!”
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Maybe it was the last sentence. You are better than a hand job. Or maybe worse, it’s that she’s blaming porn stars for the potential ‘expectations’ of a client. Who knows….
To blame one person, for the not-even-yet-happened expectations of another, and to do so with such venom, I can’t wrap my head around.
It also frustrates me to no end when any one person feels like they are able to speak to what should or shouldn’t be allowed in someone else’s content or session… or that certain actions are disgusting just because YOU don’t offer them.
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There isn’t one correct vision of BDSM and I don’t think a single Top in her right mind would appreciate someone else laying out what is permissible across the board.
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Maybe when we all once had to rely on single line print ads that gave us zero opportunity to expand, that would create a larger need for a general concenses. I remember those days and I could kinda see that, but with modern ad platforms and websites – we can be as diverse as we want to, having plenty of opportunity to clarify our offerings and boundaries with as many words as we’d like.
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I mean we all have different rules and interests anyway, largely based around what turns us on, what we specialize in and what falls within our comfort zone. If one Domina is a little more rigid than another – that’s 100% fine! You will attract the kind of clients who appreciate that dynamic as long as you communicate that! That’s why we advertise; so we can be clear. So we can lay the path of what a client CAN assume in a session with us. Its a system that seems to work quite nicely all around.
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Our visitors are smart, accomplished and very self aware – they aren’t the clueless animals you’re painting them to be who see something and naturally assume it will happen universally with every Dominatrix. I’ve absolutely never had someone come in and press me for an act they saw in porn. You know why? They read my ads, my website and then I screen to create a linear agreement, something I would be doing anyway to ensure compatibility – not just to make sure they know I’m not a porn star (cough).
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Now, if I were to really get down to speculation, I know some people with more strict boundaries aren’t taking issue with the misconception of client expectation – but that perhaps the fluctuating boundaries of others don’t line up in what they’re comfortable in offering. If one Mistress gives “more”, perhaps that will threaten the other Dommes business if she’s more reserved.
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Let’s not pretend that the view of BDSM is being tainted by someone receiving erotic enjoyment. And let’s not pretend this is a prudish act completely removed of all sexuality. There will be some who crave the more rigid, hands off style Dominatrix and others who want more….but to say they will EXPECT a universal flexible boundary across the board…? Ludicrous. To imagine they might do something to press you, put you in danger or perhaps make a move on you: that’s another topic entirely and you definitely can’t blame porn for it.
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If you see posts like his, Dear Readers, just know that it does NOT reflect the general viewpoint of ALL Mistresses. We definitely don’t ALL look down on intimate contact, we don’t see it as an incorrect interpretation of BDSM and definitely don’t believe you’re unable to differentiate between fantasies you see online and the realty you’d experience in the flesh.
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In closing, and here’s my most underlined point of them all: don’t let someone shame your sexuality.
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No matter what side you fall to, no matter what you’re into. If someone is saying the word ‘disgusting’ as this Domme chose to, in relation to an action – realize this says more about them than you.
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Bdsm is about freedom from shame… embrace that and sharply and unreservedly discard anyone who dares to tell you to feel otherwise.
LOVE YOUR SUEDE BOOTS
Your article “There’s No Wrong Way To Kink” is spot on. Your insights in the article brought me back to your blog. Much appreciated.
I look forward to reading more like this very thoughtful article.
Also thought I might add the observations of a retired domme, Mistress Christy , once of Bangkok, with whom I am still very close. regarding the sexual element of female domination. She once told me that as much as 15% of her “slaves” came to her for the pain.(some for really hard stuff too) and perhaps 35% were for sex (in one form or another other than intercourse) . As for the other 50%, she just laughed and told me that it’s so diverse it was hard to quantify the interests she had to address. (and not just from men – she had regular sessions with single women and couples).