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Blog Post: Ethical Domination And Proper Aftercare by Domme Addiction and The FemDom Collective.

This is a longer post, but is worth its weight in gold.

About a week ago, Domme Addiction reached out to about a dozen fierce FemDomes, myself included, to gain perspective on how we view boundaries, ethics and where that falls when pushing slaves/clients to their limits while also expanding their horizons. Below is an incredible look into a wide variety of input, all worth reading twice.

******The following is direct from the Domme Addiction Post******

http://dommeaddiction.com/feature-article-ethical-domination-and-proper-aftercare/


In light of recent events, and in the midst of being fully dissected on Twitter, the topic of ethical domination, and the need for responsible aftercare have come to the surface. Relationships, such as they are, between a Domme and her submissives, can become one of the most important and all-consuming in their lives. Total devotion and reliance is encouraged and rewarded by Dommes every day. Addiction is viewed as loyalty and the bond strengthens with every interaction.

Yet, with such power and control comes important responsibilities. How far should a Domme take her submissive…how hard can she push? What limits are there and when does an exciting and exhilarating fetish become life threatening or lead to absolute ruin?

At the same time, when the relationship ends, for whatever reason and at whatever point, like any addiction, withdrawal is of great concern. Whether online or real time, the removal of a submissive from that D/s relationship can be delicate and dangerous if not handled correctly .

To discuss ethical domination and proper aftercare, we at DommeAddiction have enlisted the help of some of the women who live these principles every day. Who better to share their vast accumulation of knowledge and to offer advice than Femdom Goddesses who have learned from those before them, and have experienced so much that the Femdom scene has to offer, both good and bad?

With this in mind, we offer you responses from a variety of Dommes to the following questions:

  • How will you know when you’ve pushed a slave too far?
  • What role does aftercare play in sessions with slaves, and with longterm servitude?

Goddess Alexandra Snow

The discovery and understanding of someone’s boundaries, real or perceived, is a heady task. It takes time, patience, and skill, especially when it comes to the male submissive. Men are taught to withhold anything that resembles weakness as a character flaw, and so often will not divulge the places where something is “too much.” They so desperately want to experience an authentic connection with a female Dominant that they are willing to agree to “anything” and this is confusing for the Dom. There’s so much back and forth between the fantasy of exploitation, humiliation, and desire to be disregarded for the submissive. He often doesn’t know where his fantasy for the activities and her actual perception of him differs.

It’s difficult to know when you’ve gone too far without lots and lots of communication, paying close attention to changes in demeanor and behavior. When you’re dominating someone online, you have even less information from which to draw these conclusions. A slave, a client, can be lost in the mix as someone else ponies up a tribute and takes the next 15 minutes of your time. For the slave, their emotional state may be in turmoil but they never say a word– they only have so much of your attention, after all. They don’t wish to be a bother or a hassle or tell the Dominant that something is beyond their capacity, even if they originally negotiated it. 

I always try to err on the side of caution, bringing a nurturing caring to the equation even if it falls short of the cruel Goddess archetype. I want to make it feel safe to discuss the real issues, understand the actual struggles, not just deliver a fantasy on demand. 

Aftercare is a mixed bag. Some people need it more than air, others need it not at all. In a world of online domination, aftercare is an afterthought because no one wants to pay for it. So a slave may sit at their computer feeling very raw and unsettled after an interaction and staring at the “time’s up” message. In person sessions are different, there’s so much more feedback to gauge what someone needs to transition back to real life. 

I believe it’s useful to validate and encourage at a bare minimum as aftercare, to leave the experience on a positive note and close the door on whatever objectification has occurred.

Mistress Eva

I am almost constantly observing the behaviour and reactions of my submissives as well as watching my actions and motivations in order to keep us in balance as we push on our joys and boundaries. However, due to the nature of human interaction and life, not all is under our control, and a dance between conflict and cohesion is natural to all social dynamics. In the context of professional session based domination, I tend to focus the most intense amount of energy in maintaining engagement and safety in a scene for everyone. Even so, this has still resulted in triggers that I was unaware of – and as an extreme result some are too confronted to session with me again. In more minor cases there is usually a physical and emotional withdrawal on the sub’s behalf and it is then a matter of giving a pause and rebuilding them to reconnect from there. In terms of lifestyle D/s relationships the reaction of withdrawal is similar but can usually be more easily mitigated with more time to communicate over what triggers may have been hit or boundaries crossed.

I approach all D/s exchange with a sense of responsibility at all times, not limited to an aftercare scenario. This said, there have also been wilder moments where especially during heavy corporal punishment scenes I have lost myself to it. This is simply when safe words are paramount and the selection of a suitably strong submissive is integral. So I guess you could say that I set the scene up responsibly so that I could lose myself responsibly as well… Aftercare is a beautiful component to any scene or relationship – where we reflect and check in on our state of mind and body; but in how I practice D/s it is a small act in the greater relationship of care, support and co-exploration of life and its limits between two people. Also, in how I practice I disagree with your statement on creating and rewarding addiction or co-dependency. Especially within ongoing or long term relationship my subs and I look at maintaining their responsibilities and focus on building them as strong and healthy individuals. I want my submissives to be a support that I want to be proud of and rely on; not weight that I must carry.

Princess Meggerz

I don’t offer aftercare. I do offer up glimpses of my genuine self if we’ve formed a deeper connection.  And keeping it real keeps satisfied long term submission.

The majority of my interactions with subs online are orgasm transactions and once the end goal of the orgasm is achieved, they disappear back into vanilla life having appreciated the escape we’ve temporarily created. 

With that being said, there have been subs who have confided in me that they were seeking mental health treatment or struggling with addiction, that Femdom was negatively impacting their real everyday lives. And once brought to my attention, once the fantasy becomes reality I end the D/s relationship. I refuse to profit off true human suffering. There is too much responsibility in that. I sell fantasy. 

But then what? I’ve kept in contact but kept it brief. I am here to do a job, provide an escape, and play a role. My time is money and I am not a qualified therapist. I can’t solve deeper set issues and if the fantasy isn’t therapeutic enough, I’m not your gal.

I am also NO drama. I don’t take the bait if the boundaries of fantasy are crossed. I much prefer to “ruin” a sub’s budgeted amount set aside for his roleplaying than be expected to stick around and pick up the pieces of his shattered life.

So although I can’t offer much insight in aftercare, my hope is to at the least help prevent other D/s relationships from playing out too far and ending in disaster.

Mistress Victoria Rage

I always take a common sense approach to playing with partners; accounting for the fact that some may not always be comfortable or open to vocalizing warning signs when they’re bottoming and more so may feel it’s not their place to set boundaries.

It’s important to press your slaves slowly, with caution and always using the RACK system (risk aware consensual kink). Read their bodies, watch for signs of them shutting down, compartmentalizing; if you don’t know your partner well enough to spot those things, you should be very cautious on how far you’re willing to take it. I also think it’s important to remember that BDSM shouldn’t always point a focus for ‘how far you can go’. Not every scene needs to top the last; open communication and mutual fun should be the underline to any engagement.

The longer term the servitude, the more important aftercare is.

Bodies can recover from play remarkably fast: on the professional side, I’ve seen visitors bounce back after a warm shower, a cool down chat and some water. I still offer aftercare because endorphins can absolutely cloud judgment making you feel amazing and ready to tackle the world before your senses have fully returned. Those you impact on a deeper emotional and mental plane are going to need some more in depth TLC.

Checking in with their headspace often, making sure they feel comfortable communicating with you openly, honestly and without judgement is the more vital way to ensure a healthy D/s dynamic.

It should be treated with the same care and delicacy that any other relationship would have, being extra attentive to the fact that bottoms may not always share their concerns for fear of displeasing their Tops. Laying a foundation of trust and openness will be your best weapon to *truly* know what your partner needs and how that may evolve over time. As you mentioned how some may feel withdrawn when connections ebb and flow, I will say it’s also extremely important to keep on top of WHY your partner is with you and how deep the elements of play impact them. If your personal relationship needs work, pausing play to make sure you build up that emotional connection again is vital. Both the play side and personal relationship side need to be in harmony to avoid fall out, bad scenes, play addiction and unfortunate consequences of withdrawal if a relationship does begin to oxidize.

Goddess Helly

Based on a thorough screening process and information gathering before a scene, it should be easier to recognize if a sub/slave has been pushed beyond his/her limits. In the last few years that situation has not happened to Me. However, in My first few months starting out as a Pro Domme it happened on two occasions. The first time a slave was pushed too far, he had an emotional breakdown toward the end of the session. The second time, the slave crumpled up in a ball and I could literally smell the fear waft up from his body. Once that happened, I ended the scene and went into aftercare mode, which mainly consists of Me holding them so they don’t go into shock and reassuring them that they’ll be okay. 

During a Professional Session I will continuously check-in with the sub/slave during a scene. Especially a new slave. I am continuously monitoring them visually, checking their body language and breathing levels. In their willingness to serve, sometimes a slave will disregard their own limits in order to show how willing they are to endure whatever I inflict. I am a firm believer in a voice conversation prior to booking a Pro Session to determine that sub/slave’s state of mind and get a true idea of what type of session they are seeking to experience. Prior negotiation and protocol explanation is key. This is something I do no matter how many times I’ve sessioned with a sub/slave. 

Aftercare to some degree is important after a scene, particularly one that deals with elements of degradation and humiliation. It grounds the sub/slave and Domme for that matter. Top Drop is a real thing, and Dommes need to administer aftercare to themselves too. 

Now, anyone in My inner circle knows that I had a horrific experience with a lifestyle sub/fetishist that took many years to end. His addiction to Me was all consuming and very dangerous, mostly to Me. If at any time a Domme has reason to fear for Her safety because a sub/slave has exhibited unstable and dangerous behaviours toward Her, She has every right to end the situation and do whatever it takes to make sure contact remains broken. This particular sub was mentally unstable, which is why I now always do a thorough screening of whomever I choose to allow into My space.

Miss XI

Ideally, you never want to get to this situation. I take My time in My booking and screening process to ensure that a sub/slave and I are a good fit, with similar enough communication styles and ideas about FemDom. A part of My initial booking process is to talk about what hard limits My potential Sub has, any medical issues, any trauma or psychological issues. If they answer a broad “none”, this tells Me that they have not done enough exploring in themselves to recognize their boundaries. They may purposefully lie to try and please Me, or they are seeking a Domme to aid them in self-harm. In either scenario, “no limits” is a red flag. I may turn down a client for this reason, or have limited play only in areas they they have specifically listed as an interest, if we have matching interests. 

I also like to talk about their previous experiences, and I will ask about experiences that they’ve found to be negative or mediocre, and why that is. Sometimes by answering this question they will reveal some boundaries to themselves they did not previously recognize and label as being boundaries. An important note is that subs/slaves ARE people, and people are dynamic creatures. They are apt to change, and thus limits and disinterests can change over time, or for given situations. Keeping this in mind, it is always appropriate to check in, or provide space for a sub to speak up. For example, when I am tying with rope, no matter how simple the tie, I will say “you are to tell Me immediately if anything goes numb, tingly, or exceedingly painful,” lest My sub try to tough it out only to suffer an injury later.  This applies to mental play as well.

A word about humiliation, is that it is extremely personal. What one person finds exceptionally painful could be no sweat to another. For this reason, I not only ask if My subs enjoy humiliation, but also what types they are into and what is considered ‘too much or off limits’. Beyond these markers, I also take into account My own feelings and if I would enjoy partaking in their fetish, or if it may bother Me. I also follow My intuition during scenes, and may take the onus to pause a scene and offer a glass of water and a sit down to ask how they are doing. 

Note here that I will refer to words like high, sober or altered state only in terms of naturally produced feelings. I do not allow or condone intoxicants of any kind in My sessions. 

Pre-established boundaries made in a sober state are crucial as a sub may get high from the rush of endorphins during play, and therefore be more willing to “consent” to something they normally would not, due to this altered state, only to later regret it. This is called a false-positive. This is why as a Dominant you hold responsibility to maintain the pre-established boundaries, and to use your discretion when exploring new territories or playing with new subs. 

Despite intoxicant-free play, that does not mean that an addiction cannot be formed. This can happen for a variety of reasons, but it is important to recognize changes in overall behaviour, new urgency to play right away, or ‘pull-away-running-back-repeat’ behaviour.  These are indicators that unhealthy behaviours or real addiction may be brewing. This is something that should be addressed, and may lead to a necessary break up, or simply managing play differently. 

For example, I had a long term sub that I had seen for over 5 years. I noticed that he was coming in more often than usual, and seemed overly concerned about My life and little details of how My business was doing. We chatted and he admitted that he was spending beyond his means to have extra time with Me. I then limited his sessions to no more than once a month, and we decided that he should no longer be able to own My used garments, as it was taking him too far into fantasy land and disrupting everyday grounding. 

In another example, I had a financial sub whose fantasy particularly revolved around seeing Me ‘drain’ a bank account. He wanted to see numbers disappear from a banking interface specifically. Normally I would not partake in this kind of play whatsoever, and do not get involved with anything to do with personal banking details literal taking of things, or grinding anything to zero. I don’t believe in “draining.” I found a solution by making him set up a secondary account, and in sober mind, placing in it an amount that fit his real life budget. This way We could satisfy his fetish without sacrificing well being when he was high on Femdom.

As a last rule, I would like to illuminate the fact that your play exists ONLY between consenting parties, and should never interfere with anyone outside of that. This is an especially important rule for Financial Domination. To the best of your ability you must always prevent excessive spending that would harm any partner or family, even if this means breaking up with a sub.

In the event that a sub feels that they have been pushed too far, immediate communication and remediation is required. Talk about what happened, make sure to listen to their side of the story and how they feel without first interrupting with your facts or opinion. Try to come to a solution to prevent future situations. Encourage them to seek outside help in the case that play triggered underlying issues (eg, untreated PTSD, etc). Being a caring human will never make you less Dominant. A Domme struggling with this may also consider reaching out to peers in the industry that have more experience. 

On a final note, I would like to talk about safe words. I use stop-light safe words in session, with yellow meaning “I am at capacity, I am okay, but don’t push further” and red meaning “Full stop and check-in.”  In scenes where the sub cannot talk, it is crucial to have a distinguished way of saying “RED!”  This can be done by using a squeeky toy as the gag & squeeking 3 times for red, or leaving a hand untied  and tapping 3 times, giving them a ball to drop for ‘red.’ You can be creative with non-verbal safe words, just be sure that you and the sub are on the same page.

If I play with a sub for ongoing sessions, especially in scenarios where we are doing re-programming or financial play, I remind them that they are My property, and I would never damage My own property. This is great as it plays into the Femdom fantasy very well, while also assuring that I don’t desire their ruin. (Although we may use these kinds of key-phrases because it is in their fantasy).   

After care is very important and needs vary from person to person. Some people enjoy some quiet time to themselves, some like to talk about the session afterwards, and some just like to chat like friends and perhaps get a hug. Sub drop is a term for negative feelings that may arise in the hours, days, or weeks after a scene. They can range from a slightly down feeling due to an endorphin drop, or they can be more complex psychologically related feelings of guilt and kink-shame. If there is an affliction of sub drop, figuring out the underlying cause of it and treating the issue from that stand point is most useful. In a few cases, I have had subs who suffered from guilt feelings tell Me that they no longer felt the effects of their sub drop after meeting Me and seeing how much I wholly embraced My kink identity. It really can be different for everyone. Siren Thorn of SirenThorn.net write this beautiful piece on Sub Drop and how to deal with it. I highly suggest reading this article. 

As a Domme, balancing sub needs with Your own needs is a task indeed. Depending on the time a sub needs or desires to talk to Me afterwards, I will ensure to end the session with 15 minutes to spare, in order to give them this time. If they need longer than that, I offer reduced tribute time to go for walks or get dinner and talk. This is a great solution to both provide them more time with you to decompress, and also value your time.

Sorceress Bebe

A very large part of domination is being able to read your subs. When you’re in a session or a long term D/s relationship, it is important that you’re constantly sensing how the sub is feeling and build off of that. Being intuitive during play in domination. That being said, a responsible Domme checks in with their subs, checks in on how they’re feeling and also senses when something may be wrong or if they may not be feeling themselves. It is also important to encourage the sub to be honest and communicative so that you do know if you have pushed them too far, and if so you are able to talk this out with them and help them process. Just as it is important for a Domme to set boundaries, it is important for them to allow the sub to have boundaries and respect those boundaries. If the sub does feel that they have been pushed too far, it is the Domme’s responsibility to offer support and understanding so that this doesn’t happen again and so that the sub can also get the support they need to feel okay.

In aftercare, the same concept is important.. it is the Domme’s responsibility to extend support to the sub, to let the sub know that they are available for communication. It is important to check in with the sub periodically as well because drops can occur some time after play. Making sure to keep an open line of communication and encourage honesty and allow the sub to be comfortable sharing their true feelings in the case that they may actually need help. A D/s relationship is just as sacred as any other and many feelings are intertwined within that relationship. It is important that people you interact with are cared for because you never truly know the burdens they may carry when playtime is over. Always be sure to follow up, it could save a life.

Russian Queen M

In order to be a good Dominant and understand how your slaves/subs feel and where they stand, you must be an empath.  Almost all humans are capable of being empathetic towards each other. However, to comprehend the mental and emotional state of another individual, you must develop such ability in a more extensive way than others because you are being trusted with another human life, whether it’s for only an hour or for years to come. A lot of new ladies think that owning slaves is just about taking their money on a monthly basis and they decide to jump on board without prior experience or understanding of the psychology of why these people want to submit in the first place. I personally have been through a lot of different life experiences that led me to understanding of how psychology of human behavior works, before I decided that I was ready to own slaves. When I interact with new slaves I always take it slow and ask a lot of questions such as why do you want to serve me, when did you make this derision and what are you willing to sacrifice to earn such a privilege. The answers will give me a slight understanding of where this new sub stands and whether he even understands what true servitude means. 

Over the last 3 years my slaves have sacrificed a lot for me: financially, sexually and emotionally.  I like to push my slaves’ boundaries to see what they are capable of, but I always watch them carefully while they are preforming my tasks. Being an empath, it doesn’t take much for me to see when my subs cannot take it and that is when we start talking. Communication is the key to any healthy relationship, whether it’s D/s or not. A professional Dominant must have the highest level of communication skills because subs are often too shy to speak up about the things that might bother them. You must always communicate with your subs and check with them to see what is making them uncomfortable and what is making them happy and then decide how to move forward and adjust if needed. 

Also, it is very important to be aware of any mental health issues that your new subs might possibly have. It is not that hard to see if a sub is acting in a strange manner or his conversations are inconsistent and don’t make a lot of sense. If I notice any signs of mental instability in new subs, I simply reject them and do not allow them an opportunity to serve me. I only surround myself with healthy mature stable individuals who are completely in charge of their decision making process. Which is why I always hold my slaves responsible for what they say and do and punish them accordingly if needed, to reconfirm their ability to make decisions based on their clear mind. I have had many men who did not seem to be in charge of their own mind and acted out of the ordinary with me. I simply told them they cannot serve me regardless of how much money they were willing to spend. Only an unprofessional dominant will rush into D/s relationships with slaves for their money without caring what kind of individuals she is dealing with. That is where most problems arise because in such arrangements the Domme doesn’t really care about her subs/slaves and how they might feel. She only cares about getting the money from them and she will not be empathetic or even try to understand how her subs feel while serving her. You must be an empath in order to feel when your slaves have had enough and cannot take any more. You must have an ability to have rational discussions and make adjustments if needed in order to continue D/s relationships in a healthy way for both Dominant and submissive. It really all comes down to your experiences and how well you understand human psychology. This is why I don’t consider training slaves a sex-work. I provide psychological and emotional support for my submissives, not sexual. I allow them to express themselves in the most vulnerable ways in front of me because they trust me to create a safe space for such self expression. Therefore, it is up to me to observe my slaves’ behaviors and notice if something is off or needs my attention. 

Aftercare is extremely important! This is why I don’t charge my subs for talking to me after our first meeting, while prior to that they have to pay for everything in order to earn the privilege to serve me. After serving in person, I allow my subs to message me and talk to me if they have any questions or simply want my attention. To me money is just the way to sacrifice in order to meet me and get to know me in person. I actually enjoy keeping in touch with my owned slaves on a regular base because after they show me how much they are willing to sacrifice for me, I’m willing to invest emotionally into them. With my long term slaves I like to have regular calls and simply talk about life, work, family, etc. For those who serve me long term I’m not just their Dominant, I’m also their life coach, their mentor, their leader. They look up to me and they listen to my day-to-day advice on how to improve themselves and their reality. Yet again communication is the key to everything.

Without communicating to your subs/ slaves on a regular human level, you can never figure out what they are thinking and what kind of feelings and emotions they might be going through while serving you. I also like to ask my slaves how they felt during this or that process and what they would like to be done differently next time. Like I said, unprofessional women simply look at the dollar amount they can get from each sub and take advantage of those who put themselves in a vulnerable position. They do not have the moral stand to even care if they might ruin their subs’ lives, relationships, etc. This is why it is subs’ job to make sure they research the dominant they want to serve prior to submitting to her. The right dominant will know how to take good care of her subs and how to provide the right aftercare for them.

Goddess Amy Wynters

Well this is my opinion & I’m speaking from my personal experiences only of online & real time domination sessions. The first thing you must do in any D/s relationship even if it’s a one off session on cam is find out hard limits straight off the bat for both of you. Now obviously the more you session with one another the more the trust is built and the easier it is to know what limits you can push. There’s a very delicate balance in pushing your submissive further without taking it too far. You have to find that wiggle room of where they want to be pushed & the only way to do that is communication. A safe word & an absolute concrete set of hard limits. You can tell if you’ve pushed a slave too far as they will retreat from you & you can sense it. I can’t stress enough to any submissives that they must tell their Domme their hard limits.

After care is vital & in this digital age I do worry that this isn’t being taken into consideration as it’s so easy especially as a Femdom cam model to have a submissive come on, session & leave. 9 times out of 10 they come back so you can build that relationship. I do become very invested in my submissives & care for their well-being. It’s very important to remember that they are sharing their inner most secrets & desires with us, these are things they probably haven’t even told their loved ones. But then that sets up another problem of them becoming too reliant on you so it’s very important to set boundaries. A follow up message after an online session or a hug & debrief after a real time session is how I do it. We must remember though that although a Domme can advise you just as friend can she’s not a doctor or a mental health professional.

Goddess Stella Sol

There can be a lot of obvious signs that a sub has been pushed too far, but sometimes a Domme is not aware of Her sub’s mental conditions based on the time spent with the sub, or the sub’s willingness to open up and be honest about his/her struggles. Obvious ways to tell that a sub’s been pushed too far is they’ll usually have a significantly negative shift in their behavior that can vary between any of the following: long lasting isolation, ghosting, excessive drug and/or alcohol usage, emotional outbursts, negative internalization, thoughts/attempts of suicide, debilitating stress, paranoia, severe loss of appetite, binge eating or sleeping, insomnia, passive-aggressiveness, panic attacks, nightmares, etc. If a sub is willing to talk, it can make a huge difference in his/her abilities to cope, just as long as the D/s relationship is on the healthier side of the spectrum, and both people genuinely care to talk and listen. Those who practice in BDSM tend to be very sensitive people who often require a lot of words of affirmation, quality time, and acts of service from one another. We give each other very exclusive access to ourselves as a way to establish a bond of trust so that we can become vulnerable enough to plan and play out our deepest, darkest desires in a fun, safe way. I think things go wrong when people are actively engaged in the initial processes, but then abandon each other before aftercare has been worked through. Fetish is meant to be exciting, but sometimes it can become dangerously abusive if one or both people are pushing unhealthy limits, not respecting set boundaries, or neglecting the other person’s needs entirely. Until you really get to know someone it’s hard to know what to expect from each other until sometimes it’s too late, and the damage has been done.

Empathy is a trait that every Domme and sub must have in order to make a long lasting D/s relationship work. Narcissism is a dangerous characteristic in either a Domme or a sub, and it often rears it’s ugly, self-centered head in the form of unnecessarily rebellious behaviors, maliciousness, neglect, and other forms of non-consented abuse towards the other person. For a long term D/s relationship to work well there must be a desire to understand what the other person is going through so that the relationship remains compassionate and healthy for everyone involved.

During a session the sub will almost always experience phases including the excitement of the build up, the cathartic state of sub-space, and then after the session comes is the residual fall of sub-drop. This is where I wholeheartedly believe that aftercare is critical after every session and it must be addressed quickly in order to create a sense of safety and closeness after an intense session. Sometimes aftercare only takes an hour or two of debriefing. Others times aftercare requires lots of talking for many weeks, and possibly even professional counseling. When the drop becomes too extreme it can trigger really bad reactions, and it’s both the Domme and the sub’s responsibility to take a step back and address the issue at hand in an honest way before continuing to engage in more play that could cause additional damage.

Each session has levels of transformation that can trigger each person differently, and when a sub’s drop is severe it can be traumatizing to not only the sub, but the Domme who’s also dealing with Her own reactions to the way the session went. This may include feelings like regret, shame, fear, doubt, heart-break, insecurity, failure, and anger. There’s a misconceptions that Dommes are supposed to be emotionless and never show vulnerability. The problem with that is that a Domme is human, and if she’s a good Domme she will likely be very in-tune with Her emotions whether they’re good or bad. A Domme can not help her sub if she, or he, thinks that emotions are irrelevant. Resentment can develop easily at this point, and the relationship could turn ugly if both people feel as though they’re not being respected.

When a sub “ghosts” it’s a very bad sign that they’re not dealing with something well, and they’ve chosen to isolate instead of communicate with their Domme, or anyone else. This usually means they’re not handling what happened in a healthy way, and it’s possible they’re feeling uncontrollable anxiety, and panic over repressing that secret, naughty side themselves. Extreme denial can be a debilitating state of being if the person feels the uncontrollable need to disassociate themselves with what happened rather than facing it. There are a lot of careless Dommes out there who don’t know when to quit pushing someone against their better judgement, and often times this can lead to a sub feeling cornered and stuck in a scary situation with someone who threatens their sanity, reputation, and livelihood.

Abandonment soon after a session contributes to a lot of D/s bonds falling apart because that trust building time is necessary for the magic of BDSM to work like it should. But the truth is that not all relationships are meant to last, and so much of that is out of people’s control if the chemistry isn’t right, the feelings change, or respect is lost for some reason. It’s so important to take things slowly in order to test the waters before diving in head first with anyone. In My experience I don’t feel like I really know a sub until we’ve had consistent interactions for at least 6 months or more. I believe that a lot of damage can be avoided when both people take the time to get to know each other’s personalities online before ever sessioning in person so that nature can take it’s course, trust can be built, and the relationship develops as something that’s been tried, true and tested.

Mistress Ruby Enraylls

How far a Domme can push must be negotiated carefully between the Domme and sub with the understanding that hard rules such as “no spit” are often flexible but core values are not. It’s important to identify what a core value is for someone. For example, if someone says “no spit” they might actually have a core value of not wanting to be humiliated. How you can safely push is heavily determined by what core values someone holds and how you play around them. If you break down someone’s core values without shoring up another core value, that persons mental state could become unstable.

Insofar as setting practical limits for the safety and well being of a slave or sub I tend to avoid the following: situations that actually damage relationships/friendships/work life (this is kind of debatable and you have to talk about what this means with each individual if you are playing that kind of game), putting someone in a position of physical harm (such as asking them to do things that are dangerous or lethal).

When someone has been pushed too far they show signs of having broken in a variety of ways. They show obvious signs of emotional or physical distress or may seem very troubled. In extreme cases they may even go into some kind of a catatonic state. The easiest way to avoid all of this is simply picking a safeword and abiding by it when your slave/sub uses it. It can be hot to disregard a safeword but the health and well being of someone needs to be taken into consideration as well.

Aftercare is critical because a scene often involves taking someone apart and aftercare is putting someone back together, although aftercare often looks different for many people. For some people it means sitting together and having time to talk about what happened. For some it means being ignored in the corner. You have to figure out what your partner needs. (Keep in mind, tops need aftercare too!)

2 thoughts on “Blog Post: Ethical Domination And Proper Aftercare by Domme Addiction and The FemDom Collective.

  1. Very interesting group of ideas & opinions. Many of the comments imply real passion on the part of the dommes for both their profession and many of the submissives who visit them. Dare I speculate that genuine affection builds, like any vanilla relationship, with sustained connection over time between some of them.
    It would have been more enlightening to know what kinds of limits many subs have and how the various dommes deal with them if these limits are transgressed. Only Mistress Victoria Rage mentions handling the infliction of too much physical pain. I am sure there are other limits which might require different kinds of “therapy” or “aftercare”. Big thanks ladies.

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