Open communication vs Topping from the bottom


I’m not sure why it has taken me *this* long to finally type out this particular posting, especially with how often the topic comes up. But today, I’m going to cover what topping from the bottom looks like and how to avoid it while still conveying your wants and needs to your chosen Pro Domme. 

 Before I begin, I can only say that this advice comes directly from me and my personal experience. While I have had MANY chats with others in my field, and agree that this may be a general consensus, I cannot speak for every Mistress. Don’t take this as gospel when interacting with another Dominatrix, when in doubt, just ask about her protocols directly!

So most importantly, let me put your mind at ease: Any professional Top in their right mind, will absolutely want to know the things you really need and crave. While we’re happy to concoct scenes for you when you’d rather leave it up to us, we generally prefer your input so we can make things unforgettable.

 You’re not ‘stuck’ just submitting your body to activities you may or may not enjoy (or be able to handle) – that’s just not how this works. 

Most of us will give you a clear cut way to deliver that vital info before you even step foot in the dungeon; be it email, phone call or in person screening, we want to ensure your kinks are compatible to ours before we accept your appointment request in the first place. Overlapping interests are what guarantee a mutually good time after all! 

So when asked –  don’t hesitate to share, be thorough, be detailed, and don’t hold back if there’s certain things you NEED to have happen, for you to walk away with a smile. It’s much easier to welcome those thoughts in advance so we can incorporate them in the planning process.

After that chat, this is when your dream Domme is going to start piecing your session together. She’s going to invest some serious thought in how to push you, incorporate and expand on your lusts and hit all those perfect notes. 

The plan for your date will more or less concrete from there on out, so those last minute desires aren’t always easy to plug into a flowing scene – especially if the appropriate toys haven’t been prepared! 

 Here’s where the debate breaks down a bit in regards to topping from the bottom….


I personally consider all communication helpful, but I am most grateful when those tidbits happen before I take the aforementioned time to plan our date. I wouldn’t consider last minute additions to be topping from the bottom as long as they happen DURING YOUR PRE SESSION DISCUSSION at the latest. This still gives me some opportunity to rework my ideas if you’ve thrown in a last minute curve ball; which you’re totally allowed to do. 

Once we get started, it’s almost universally agreed that those little requests that come well into the play date, at random, and cause a significant amount of time regrouping to fulfill that wish are considered topping from the bottom.

 Example: I set someone up for a flogging, their hands are tied to my whipping post, they’re hooded, they’re prepared – I take a step back to begin and all of a sudden they say “Can I have weights on my balls too…also a gag? a plug? some nipple clamps?”…

Yes, of course you can have all of that, if that’s what you NEED for you to feel best, but that should have been mentioned earlier. 

At that point, I’m going to need to untie you, get those supplies together, affix them as necessary and retie you to the post. It breaks up the flow of the scene quite a bit…and perhaps I really wanted you to focus on the flogging itself without all the added distractions. 

Maybe I was going to do something with them later?

Makes a bit of sense doesn’t it? 

While you should never feel cut off from communicating with your Top and are openly encouraged to use your safewords and let her know if something isn’t working for you; you should be considerate in how much YOU are trying to dictate the flow of things instead of letting your Mistress do what she is really here to do.

In short, it all boils down to being communicative when you’re asked to be and being considerate when asking your Domme to change her plans. 

We know a dungeon can look like a kinky buffet table and that can spark some serious curiosity, so just go with the flow – don’t be afraid to let your Domina show you a good time.


 Isn’t that why you’re here in the first place?

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2 Thoughts to “Open communication vs Topping from the bottom”

  1. Danny

    Domina Victoria,
    Thanks for addressing this topic. Knowing that we can talk about interests prior to a session means a lot, and like you, I believe it’s important for a mutually satisfying session. I don’t take for granted this early/important communication. Especially since we have not sessioned together yet. So, once I do pick up the phone and call, I also realize that the onus will be on me to effectively communicate my interests. My hope is that we can session in July.

    I like your mindset more with every blog post I read.


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